To My Father;
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To My Father;

It has been brought to my attention that my father has been reading my blog and has been trying to befriend me on Facebook because of it. Some might feel sad or mad that he is invading my privacy and my life even after all that he has done to bring me down already, but when I thought about it I feel the opposite. In my childhood my father kept me and my mother silent and quiet and controlled to not know who he was and had everyone wrapped around his finger. He made me scared for my life and made me dread the thought of putting my voice out there and being heard, but it is because of this fear that I agreed with my mother I had to write to all of you, to show you strength and show you that you don't have to stay stuck in the past and that NO ONE has the right to make you feel that way. Being happily married now with one beautiful boy and one on the way I am so happy with my life and where it is, I may not feel perfect, but I know that God held me through my hard times and that I am in a better place, a place that even he can't take away from me. Every morning I wake up and see my amazing husband love his little boy, treat him the way I wish I had been loved, and be a man that I could have never imagined I deserved. Our son always says, "Daddy to the rescue." Those words never came out of my mouth and never will, instead I was left feeling I needed a rescue from mine and the love that we have for our little boy will never be what I had to feel for the years that he was in my life. When reading his name, seeing his face on that friend request you would think being a person who scared me for so long that it would throw me off completely and send me back into the scary dreams and PTSD, but it didn't. I felt no fear, no sadness, and no flooding memories coming back to me. And I believe that even though I thought I was over my depression and PTSD, this was a turning point for me. I have said that I was over everything and that he can not have control over my life, but until I saw his face again I did not realize that I can't remember what you look like, I don't think about you, and I have an amazing life and none of it is because of you. The anger and pain I had to feel because of him for so long and nothing, there is nothing there to hold me back or keep me from my happiness. What an amazing feeling. And I want you to know, I'm sorry to write this on here, but I feel it needs to happen; Dad, you are not my Dad, you never were, you never loved me the way a father should love and protect their little girl, you held me silent and put me into a victim role and made me stuck, but I'm thankful. Thank you because the love in my life I know is the right love, it is the purest and most enduring kind and I will never be treated the way you treated my mom. Just know as you read this that you have none of my thoughts, God rescued me from you and has given me an amazing life and the only thing you can take credit for is the hurt you put in my heart, but know that you didn't make me cold, you didn't hold me back and I am an amazing woman, wife, and mother despite the anger and fear you put me through. I see you for the exact person that you are and it is not my place to judge you, but know that you are never welcome in my mind, my heart, or my life. You are free to read anything you want and I will not do anything to block you from reading this, but know that this blog is not about you, this is for me and I know I told you when I was 13 that I was over everything and I forgive you, but now I'm done growing up and now I know that I am not a victim, I am not stuck, and thank you for making me a SURVIVOR because I survived you and I never have to feel that way again. This blog is to show you that I'm not quiet, that I'm not afraid of you, and that you are only a man and have no power over me.

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