Say what You Need To
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Say what You Need To

Lately I've had a lot of breakdowns, I’m going through postpartum depression, it started right after I had Abel and now he’s a month old and I seem to still be taken over by it. My husband took me out and instead of going where he said we were, he drove me all the way to Oklahoma and took me to blow money at the casino, we didn't have the money to do it, but he wanted me to feel better and wanted me to get out of the house. I have this issue with my PTSD where I get this closed walls feeling and it is followed by unbelievable depression and anxiety attacks. I will go outside and my mindset will take a bright sunny day and I will literally see no sun and my depression will take away the feeling of fresh air, normally when it’s a beautiful day with your husband and two beautiful boys, a woman would breathe the air and think, “It’s a beautiful day.” But with my mind, I can be surrounded by love all around me, have a nice sunny day, and see nothing but pitch black. The other night when we were fighting I took a moment and looked into my husband’s eyes and I didn't want to think it, but I thought in my head, “How do you have the patience for me?” I have a bucket list, on it, I added one thing that night, I added to feel about myself how my husband looks in my eyes. In our wedding vows, I wrote, “You see me for everything I am, my good, my bad, and you accept and love all of it. You see me for exactly who I am and you love me for exactly who I am, I promise you the same thing,that I will accept and love you for everything you are, not change you and forgive you, but to love you always and forever.” I have so many mistakes in my life, so much I would change and I’m sure as times goes on I’ll only add to it, but the one thing that I know is that God made him just for me because just as they say, “God brought you to it, he will see you through it.” I truly believe that I could not get through the dark times that have come to me without my husband, he was put in my life for a reason and I know that I am a much stronger person with him by my side. On his arm he has written, “Every man needs a good woman when his life is a mess because just like the game of chess, a Queen protects her King.” At the end of the song “Say” by John Mayer it says, “Even if your hands are shaking, and your faith is broke, even if your eyes are closing, do it with a heart wide open.” That night we went to bed unresolved, we had both said things we regretted, and we were separated in different rooms, and the whole night I stayed awake scared that my heart could stop beating at any moment, his could too, and we went to bed mad. I can think off the top of my head of a million times when I said what I felt to my husband, I'm proud to say that he is my best friend and I have never been too afraid or stressed to tell him what is wrong, even when I go through time where my anxiety gives me the most unrealistic and irrational fears in the world, he always asks me, "what are you afraid of?" and I spill everything to him. I know that I do that because he accepts me and loves me, but I sometimes wish that I could be that blunt and real with someone I know doesn't accept me at all. I thought the other day about my bucket list, about the things I want to make sure I do before I meet my Maker and there is a million things I want to accomplish, but the most important thing to me is that I was true to myself. I know that my boys and my husband know my heart, know that I'm a woman that can use her voice, and when I get in my fits with my depression I slip back into quiet and polite, but I don't want to be polite if that's not real, I think that now that our family is complete I need to take time to make that bucket list and I want to make it a list of ways I can strengthen myself and my spirit. And on that list, I want to end it, with if anyone has a problem with this list, tough. But I don't want to look at situations when I should have been honest and know that I fought the voice within because of someone else's opinion. I want to close this post with the video that fits it:)

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John Mayer - Say (Official Music Video)
This song is "Say" by John Mayer from the 2008 movie "The Bucket List" featuring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman.Enjoy and I would appreciate it if you could share this on your Facebook, Twitter...

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